Good apartment ads/bad apartment ads

Ok, wannabe landlords out there. Since I'm getting ready to move I'm doing a lot of looking at apartment ads. Apparently, you ALL need to learn a thing or two about being landlords and about writing good apartment ads. Considering I'm about to give you a sizeable portion of my monthly income (not to exceed 35% as I am a responsible consumer), you could at least follow some simple guidelines.

1. A descriptive title like "Oct. 15th - Spacious 2 br 2 ba in Logan Square - $1200" is a must. "Why is this Smurf pissed off?" means you're an idiot. Spelling mistakes are even worse. That's an instant no-click.
2. A descriptive AD. How many bedrooms, bathrooms, has it been remodeled/rehabbed, if so, when? Stainless steel? Laundry? 42" cabinets? Central A/C? Gas forced air or radiant heat?
3. The ad should have a real address, or at least an intersection Google Maps can find. Why is this so damn hard? Do you not know where your own property is? I'm looking at you, Mr. Webster-At-Central-Park man! If you can't get this right, what kind of landlord are you going to be?
4. How about a real neighborhood? West Wicker Park means Humboldt Park and that you're trying to screw someone out of a lot of money. I will not be said screw-ee.
5. Buy a damn tape measure and tell me how large the kitchen, living room and bedrooms are. In feet. Or meters. I'm not picky. And I can convert if need be. "Spacious" and "queen-sized" are descriptions, not facts.
6. I want to see pictures of the bedroom(s), kitchen, bathroom(s) and living room. Cute pictures of a Smurf don't tell me anything. 1 px white GIF files so that you can have (pic) next to your ad get you banninated from my rental considerations. Oh, and tell your current sloppy tenants to clean their crap up or you will charge them a cleaning fee for each showing. Tenants, pick your crap up. I don't want to see old pizza boxes and a half-drunk beer on your 1980s coffee table.
7. Is there laundry in unit? In building? It shouldn't come as a surprise that in-unit laundry is a HUGE selling point, on par with granite counter tops, 42" cabinets and stainless steel appliances. If you're rehabbing, find the extra couple hundred bucks to put this in. You'll get it back in rent. In building is almost as good assuming it's functional 99% of the time and the other tenants aren't stealing my shirts. Yes, you, Mr. Oh-This-Orange-Polo?. Jerk.
8. Avoid landlord speak. Vintage = crappy. Cozy = tiny. Free heat = radiant heat you won't turn on until the city forces you too. Bright = the whole damn thing is white.
9. A word about painting: take things off the walls/doors/cabinets/etc. Tape your borders. You're not that good a painter. Finally, you need three colors. One should be white and in an eggshell finish and used for trim. The other should be a cream, also eggshell and used for walls. Ceilings should ALWAYS be ultra pure ceiling white. Again, I'm giving you lots of money and paint is cheap.
10. Here are floor coverings that are good: hardwood, concrete, Pergo (or another brand laminate wood), tile, NEW carpeting. Here are a list of bad floor coverings: hardwood that hasn't been refinished since the Civil War, laminate tile in any room that is not a kitchen or a bathroom, stained carpet that smells of all things funky. If the carpet has a stain, have it professionally cleaned. If they can't get it out, just replace it. You'll get your money back. And make sure the kitchen and bathroom floors are spotless.
11. Specify your pet policy in clear, easy to understand terms. Tell me how much extra deposit you want, if there is an additional monthly charge, how many pets are allowed, and of what variety. Saying declawed cats only will get you banninated from my rent-from list however.

Now that this is out in the open, I will write, free of charge, a good ad:

"Oct 15th - Spacious 1br 1ba apartment in Logan Square - $1200

1 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment. Located on Logan Blvd, blocks to the Blue Line!

Bedroom is 12 x 14, carpeted, with full-wall closet. Living room has hardwood floors and is 10 x 17. Bathroom has jacuzzi tub!

Kitchen is 12 x 9 and has hardwood floors, 42" maple cabinets, stainless steel appliances including dishwasher (with disposal) and granite countertops!

GFA heat, central AC, new in 2003. Laundry in building. $1200 deposit, $1200/mo. Credit check required. Two pets allowed with additional $600 deposit. Please contact Bob at .

W. Logan Blvd at N. Francisco Ave."

See? Not so hard. My last landlord got all these things right. And I rented from him specifically because there was in-unit laundry.